I’m A Dude, and All My Clients Are Women, How Do I Be a Great Trainer for Them?

First, you’re asking the right question.  I recommend you keep asking that question for the next fifty years.  Asking that question, studying it, being in that inquiry is the smartest thing you can do.  (Hint: Ask actual women)

Second, throw away everything you know or that you’ve ever heard about “best practices for working with female clients.”

Third, throw away everything you know or that you’ve ever heard about “women”.

Your Clients Aren’t ‘Women’

Your clients are all completely individual people, with completely individual needs, wants, goals and values.

The second you think you can group any group of people into some generalizations is the second you lose some or all of your ability to connect to those people.  Make no mistake — your entire business, your client retention and your ability to make a difference, hinges on your ability to connect to people.

Most of my clients say really similar things about their goals in the first five minutes we sit down.  Over the next hour, over the week, over the months, the things they say about their goals and values diverge dramatically.

I might sit down with ten women on their first session, and for all ten of them, the answer to what their goal is in the firs five minutes is all “weight loss.”  While it seems like it would be easy to lump them all together in terms of what they are looking for, it changes with even the first couple followup questions.  One client might want to lose 5 pounds, one might want to lose thirty.  One might say she wants to lose weight, but then spend the rest of the time talk about being fit to play tennis.  Or that she wants to feel stronger.  Or that she has this deadlift goal.  Or that her parents have mobility issues now, and she’s looking at how movement relates to quality of life.  Or that she really wants to gain muscle.  In twenty minutes of talking about their goal, all of a sudden they’re all going different directions.

It’s almost like they’re all individual people!

And that’s just talking about their goal.  I’m a huge fan of having clients hit their goals, because that’s what they are initially paying us for.  But once we start to talk about their values, things diverge even more.

A client’s goals, what inspires them, what they stand for, what makes them happy or sad, are all different things that point to their values.  And over time we get to have ongoing conversations about what really matters to them, and they get to clarify their values for themselves in those conversations.

It’s About Listening

I’ve had a dozen or so clients tell me that I’m the only trainer that ever really listened to them.

I doubt I’m the only one that ever asked them open ended questions (wow, I hope not!), but I might be the only one who assumed they had totally unique things to say.

The mistake is in assuming you know what someone is going to say ahead of time.  If you think you know where the conversation is going, you put people in a box where it’s hard for them to express something outside of that, and it’s nearly impossible for you to hear anything outside of that.

You’ve got to be there, to be present, and to be curious about this amazing unique person in front of you.

Curious about what they want, what matters to them, and why.

Again, thinking you know something about women or training women is essentially cutting off your ability to listen to anything that isn’t your pre-conceived idea.  I would argue that actual listening starts with not knowing, and continues with being curious.

Believe Them

I hate that I even have to mention this.  It boggles my mind.

But I’m amazed by the number of times I’ve heard trainers who are men trivialize, joke about, or not believe something one of his clients, or hell, any women, have said.  This is being a bad human.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s in front of your client’s face.  Trust me, if you are a douchebag talking about your client when she isn’t there, she can absolutely feel what a douchebag you are when you are there, no matter what you say.

Sadly, our industry does such a terrible job of treating women that she might even continue to train with you, because you’re the least douchey douche bag she’s worked with lately.  Lets say you’re a 4/10 douche, and you’re a technically great trainer, but her last trainer was a 9/10 douche, and a technically crappy trainer, she might put up with you because good trainer options are that scarce.  The cost is that she’ll get terrible results because you’re a douche, and you won’t know why she “wasn’t motivated” like the guys you train.

But you can do better.

You can take responsibility for all of the clients you aren’t making a difference for.

For starters, take this unconscious gender bias quiz: http://www.lookdifferent.org/what-can-i-do/implicit-association-test

Most trainers who have a gender bias don’t know that they do. 

Take the quiz.  It’s one of many (the Harvard Project Implicit IAT Quizzes are great too).  If you find you have a gender bias, take the seven day gender bias cleanse at the end of the quiz.  That’s a good start.

To bring it all home: When your clients say stuff, believe them.  Take them at their word.  Honor their word.

What You Thought You Knew

Lets recap:

1.) Everything you might “know” about personal training women gets in the way of your being a great trainer with women.

2.) Get curious.  Ask followup questions.  Listen.  Everything you need to know about working with your client is right there — she’ll tell you.

3.) Believe your clients when they tell you things.  Confront your own biases.

by Josh Hillis

Epilogue:

I never set out to be a trainer who specialized in women’s weight loss.  But I’ve always gotten clients who are mostly women.

Fortunately, I’ve got a lot of friends who are women.  I also have a girlfriend.  I also had a mom, and I’ve got a grandma.  My trainer is a woman.  One or my business partners is a woman and all of our coaches are women.  I’m surrounded by amazing women all of the time, who are all completely different from each other, and all continue to teach me how to be a better trainer with women, if I keep my ears open.

If you don’t know what feminism is, it’s a movement that women and men are equal.  So, studying feminism and how hard it is to be a feminist ally is a good use of your time as a trainer.  I had so many ideas tied up in my head about what it meant to be a “protector” of women, I didn’t have any idea how to be a feminist ally until I asked my girlfriend, Valerie.

I recommend reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown.  It’ll make you a better trainer than any book on fitness or coaching I know.  Following that up with Rising Strong is a good idea, as is taking her Brave Leadership course.  Her research on shame, vulnerability, and connection will change who you are as a coach.